Besides depression, I also deal with some anxiety issues. Usually, any anxiety I have is mild enough that I can just ride it out. Other times it’s….. well, the best way I can explain it is feeling like you need to have a body shiver, that flow of warmth and tingling sensation that comes after the physical shake, but can’t… No matter what you do, that “shiver” won’t come and it’s all you need to get out of whatever the feeling is that you’re feeling. That’s anxiety.
Anxiety and being anxious is the same, yet different. Anxiousness can be waiting to see the boss after they emailed you that they needed to see you, first thing, when you get in. Or hearing a family member just went to the hospital, but that’s all the info you have at that moment. It’s the waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. Always waiting….
Anxiousness is but a step away from the kind of anxiety that can cripple people’s lives. Most people can deal with the unknown without much energy spent, wondering what’s come. Some of us have no control as to how that will play out.
I was off this past Friday (1/22) due to a panic attack like I’ve never endured before. I have had small panic attacks that put me on edge for a while and a pit in my stomach. I’m sure most everyone has had those before…. What happened Friday was not like that at all and was way off the charts, in my personal experience.
The morning started off with a “sour stomach” feeling that I just dealt with as I started my day. I had an errand to run before going to work, so I headed out to do that, stopped to get gas, grabbed a little something to eat, in case that was what my stomach was telling me, and my daily coffee. I drove to my destination with no issues other than that sour stomach feeling and did what I set out to do. Then, I drove myself to work…
Before I got the station in Waterloo, that stomach ache had become nausea. Really thought I was going to throw up while I was driving and took breaths to relax my stomach long enough to get to the building downtown. I carpool with Ned from Rock 108 and it was my day to drive so I parked and began waiting for him. However, besides nausea, I started having some tingling in my hands. Not constant, just a wave or two of tingling AND some weird heart beats. All I can say is that as those irregular heart palpitations happened, I was VERY aware of my heart and what it was doing. I decided to text Ned and let him know that he would have to drive down on his own, as I was going to the ER.
I was very worried that I may be having what would become a heart attack. Some of the same symptoms they tell you to pay attention to, were there; nausea, headache, numbing of extremities and some very odd heart feelings. However, there was no pain. Just a weird heart thing.
I was concentrating on driving from downtown Waterloo to Unity Point – Waterloo (Allen) and was thankful that highway 63 reconstruction was finished. Let’s say that if there were any police radars along the way, they would have all gone off and in a big way. I raced to the ER because I was fearful that I may have a major issue and wanted to to be well away from any other drivers as to not cause an accident that may injure someone. I parked and walked into the ER and let them know that I felt like I “may be having a heart attack or something”, and that I wasn’t feeling right. I was sat in a wheelchair and moved off to the side until an ER nurse could get me and wheel me back.
Waiting there for what seemed like much longer than a person who may be experiencing a heart attack should have waited, things go worse. There were moments I thought I may pass out and knew that that would not be something I should do. I was getting very anxious about my situation sitting there and began to make some noise that would attract attention to my dilemma. I was wheeled back and told to get on the gurney and remove my shirt so they could put the EKG stickers on my and hook me up to see what was happening with my heart. At the same time, I was being stuck with an IV to give fluids and any med that may need to be administered. My veins are very small and deep so I am a very difficult stick and I ALWAYS warn the “stabber” of that so they understand that I don’t want them to “dig” for the vein. The nurse had to give up on my left fore-arm and moved to the fairly visible vein on my wrist, just below my thumb. Same place that the IV had to be placed when I was in the hospital with COVID last May.
The tech did what they do with the EKG machine and then gave a good yank to the wires so they all disconnected at once and in less than a second.
Now, I’m sure that’s just how they do it, but to me, in my mind, I’m thinking, “Oh no! I must be having a heart attack and she saw it that fast and now they wires need to be removed to hit me with the paddles!” You know… the “CLEAR!!” – BANG!
As I waited for the next thing, I was trying to stay focused on one point in the room. One point that I could put all my energy and thought processes into so that I could clear my mind of the stress I was possibly causing myself by freaking out. Although externally I was looking like I’m keeping my cool, with a clear concern for my health, internally my mind is going “!%$@?*&!@^##*^!$*^!#)($*^!(*{^$(@^}(!#$?@%^(*!!
The ER doc came to talk to me about what I was going through and trying to find out exactly what I was feeling so he could rule out the possibilities. He confirmed that while I had the other symptoms I explained earlier, I had no chest pain, no pain or discomfort in my left arm and I was able to take a full breath in without tightness in my lungs or the inability to take that deep breath. Having that information, he said those were good signs but needed to run lab tests to see what, if anything, my body was going through that they may have to be concerned about.
Another nurse, another warning about my small, deep veins and demand she not “DIG” in me and another blood draw happened… And no, not where one usually gets a vein tapped, but this time in the back of my hand, near my wrist with a “baby needle” because my veins are so small. That means that the time it takes to pull blood from me just doubled.
After that second vampire left with my life-sustaining fluids, I was left alone. Alone, alone. Because of COVID protocols, staff can’t just hang out with each person for any longer than required time it takes to do what they need to do.
Not knowing what was wrong with me, I was beginning to have the panic that goes along with someone who believes they are having a heart attack alone in an ER bed, with the privacy curtain drawn as to not let any one see or KNOW when I died…. At least that was what was going through my racing mind. I found that one spot in the room again…. I focused on that one little dot above the privacy curtain but below the ceiling again. Slowly inhaling through my nose and slowly and naturally exhaling through my mouth….. still staring at my new friend – the spot above the privacy curtain but below the ceiling.
I push buttoned for the nurse to ask for some water as my mouth was very dry from all the breathing…
The first round of labs came back and the doc said the good news was that nothing was found to be out of the ordinary but another draw would be needed to be sure and look for any possible heart damage that would show any sort of heart problem I may have had. Another nurse, another warning about my small, deep veins and demand she not “DIG” in me… yada, yada, yada.
Since I was alone once again while waiting to hear back if my heart was indeed, attacked, or if my blood sugars were off and I was found to be diabetic (I eat a lot of bad, sugary food and believe I keep dodging that bullet), or what this whole thing might be… Because It was so quiet there by myself, I needed something familiar to calm me. Called my wife who was working on the OB floor of the building I was in. She was very busy up there and babies were popping out all over the place, so I asked if she would come down and keep me company and talk to me… I still can’t believe she said no. (Kidding! I would have been more surprised if she had shown up! I would have told her to go back up and catch more babies so they don’t end up on the floor.)
I opened the 1057 KOKZ app on my smartphone (that I downloaded for free and you can too!) and listened to the familiar hits. I was humming along so I could focus on the tune or the lyrics rather than if I was dying alone in and ER room listening to KOKZ. That really helped calm me and change my thought pattern. I did that until doc came back again to say that the good news was that all my labs came back “stellar” and that I looked to be in pretty good health (notice he didn’t say shape) for being overweight (AH! There it is!). That news was a relief to me and my psyche (as was the Ativan pill I was given an hour earlier that was finally working). I had to ask, specifically, about my blood sugars. I don’t want diabetes, no matter how hard I’m challenging my pancreas, so I wanted the truth about what my blood actually showed – TWICE since I had labs done two time while I was there. Shockingly, he said, “Nope. Blood sugar was fine…. A little high, but not anything to even mention.”
He asked if I was feeling any better and I said much better than when I got there. He said I had a severe anxiety attack or panic attack, whatever I wanted to call it. I wasn’t shocked but asked how much different is an actual heart attack. He said while many of my symptoms are the same, the tel-tale ones are the chest pain, pressure, cold sweating etc. Here are the ones listed by the CDC for your info:
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Pain areas: in the area between shoulder blades, arm, chest, jaw, left arm, or upper abdomenPain types: can be like a clenched fist in the chestPain circumstances: can occur during restWhole body: dizziness, fatigue, lightheadedness, clammy skin, cold sweat, or sweatingGastrointestinal: heartburn, indigestion, nausea, or vomitingArm: discomfort or tightnessNeck: discomfort or tightnessAlso common: anxiety, chest pressure, feeling of impending doom, palpitations, shortness of breath, or shoulder discomfort
Of the above symptoms, I had six of them. The doc said I was right to worry and take action because of the similarities between a severe anxiety attack and a heart attack.
This is my experience with anxiety and one I hope I NEVER have again. I hope you, reading this, will understand what happens with someone with anxiety or panic attacks, and realize that it IS debilitating and scary for the individual and the best thing you can do for them if they are having one, is to let them know that YOU are THERE for them and you will help get help. If possible, accompany them to the hospital or the ride there…. Whatever. Having someone to talk to, listen to as they talk to you, is comforting and helps the sufferer know that they aren’t alone.
